|
As he evades law enforcement officers and loan sharks I now take the time to interview auto enthusiast -slash- wanted vehicular madman, Kazuhiro Suyushimamotorola and his life in the Fast Lane
KM: Now I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you shall answer them to the best of your abilities.
KM: are we on the understanding plain?
KAZU: Def.
KM: Great!
KM: So, motor enthusiast Kazuhiro Suyushimamotorola, how would you describe your lust for speed and frenzy on the roadway?
KAZU: I really enjoy going fast, as long it's safe of course.
KAZU: My lust is continuous and ever-growing.
KM: Well, you are not alone
KAZU: ... ...
KM: If you could use a monarchical classification defining you as ____ of the road, what would it be?
KAZU: Bishop.
KAZU: I like to prey on the younger, weaker cars.
KM: So what's more exciting? Steeling cars, or ingesting medication that doesn't belong to you.
KAZU: Stealing!
KAZU: It's safer!
KM: So would you also describe yourself as the Bishop of Safety?
KAZU: Yes, definitely.
KM: Well I'm glad that thats cleared up...
KM: If you could describe yourself and driving ability with alliteration, [such as Fast-Lane Frank, Merging Mary, Cut-Off Curtis, Influenced Ivan, et al] what would it be?
KAZU: Galloping garbage heap.
KM: Yes well, that shouldn't require any further elaboration.
KM: What's the scariest incident you've had involving syringes?
KAZU: Heroin.
KAZU: There I said it.
KM: You mean like Xena, warrior princess?
KAZU: Yeah.
KM: I read you loud and clear...
KM: So, do you incite small earthquakes with the woofing of your car radio at stoplights?
KAZU: History was just made up to fool the individual.
KM: I'll take that as a 'yes'.
KM: I have one final question for you.
KM: How many cars, buses, pedestrians, woodland creatures and sanitation workers have fallen victim to your driving habits thus far?
KAZU: Five Dozen.
KAZU: They were all buses.
KAZU: School buses.
KAZU: Elementary school buses.
KAZU: I enjoyed the experience greatly.
KM: Well sir, your country salutes you.
KM: I have but one more final question.
KM: What would be your immediate inclination if you discovered I had dissembled your roadster and reassembled it this morning atop a large jetliner headed for Kyoto Bay?
KAZU: Divine intervention.
KAZU: ...and Karma.
KM: Yes, both brilliant bands performing at Bumbershoot this year!
KAZU: Yes, well, my Emperor needs me. Soyah..???>!>>&>>!>
Before the Tragedy:
An Exclusive One-on-One Interview with Dare-Devil/Pyromaniac Otto van Rocketman
Before the tragic flight of Germany's leading rocketperson, I had an opportunity to sit down with him and pry into his daring obsession.
KATHMAN: SO TELL US, Mister Van Rocketman, if that is your real name... how long have you been zooming around in the skies with this highly dangerous rocket of yours?
ROCKETMAN: Vell, since I came from ze old[e] country...
KATHMAN: My, that's no way to refer to Bellingham!
ROCKETMAN: Ja, I did think so.
KATHMAN: And on an average day, how many birds/airships/commercial jetliners do you crash into (and vaporize into oblivion)?
ROCKETMAN: Ah, vell it dee-pends on de season.
KATHMAN: Well, let's say the DRY season...
ROCKETMAN: Eh, about as many as jur standard 737.
KATHMAN: Yes, that is impressive.
ROCKETMAN: I hit ze occasional superhero as vell.
KATHMAN: Let's move on I s'pose...
ROCKETMAN: Okey zhen.
KATHMAN: Do you ever write obscene or antagonizing messages in the sky with your jet trail of industrial chemicals and noxious gases?
ROCKETMAN: Oh, vell mee-stakes have been made.
KATHMAN: Ha ha... yes, they have Mr. Rocketman.
KATHMAN: Okay, this is a hypothetical situation...
ROCKETMAN: All right-ee.
KATHMAN: You have $100 a horse named 'Larry' being ridden by a midget also by the name of 'Larry'.
ROCKETMAN: Ja-huh...
KTAHMAN: As soon as the race begins, you realize Larry (the horse) not very good at running and may have lost the will to live.
KATHMAN:
Do you 'A'...
KATHMAN: ...Sweep down from the sky, throw Larry (the midget) far, far away, grab Larry (the horse) and catapult him to victory with the afterburners...[?]
KATHMAN: Or 'B'...
KATHMAN: ...Throw salt at the audience until they're blinded horribly. [?]
ROCKETMAN: Probabl-ee 'B', plus shooting de horse and selling him to ALPO for profit.
KATHMAN: Ah, you Germans never cease to amaze me. Poignant indeed.
ROCKETMAN: Zank yu...
KATHMAN: Okay, last question
KATHMAN: I've taken your precious Jet Pack and am flying off to Hamburg!Whatever will you do...!
ROCKETMAN: Do jou know about ze V-2 in the garage?
KATHMAN: Ah... I see... Well in that case... VROOM.
ROCKETMAN: ...Zees interview ees over!
Before the Tragedy:
An Exclusive One-on-One Interview with Former Sandwich House Resident Atomic Manatee
Before the tragic demise of the Sandwich House, I had an opportunity to sit down with one of its residents and get the inside scoop on his delicious dwelling.
KATHMAN: Exactly how many types of bread comprise this monstrosity of a house?
ATOMIC MANATEE: It's just one type of bread; it's basically a normal sandwich.
KATHMAN: Very well.
KATHMAN: How many exits do you have available and what condiments are they made of?
ATOMIC MANATEE: There is three, made all out of mustard... sweet delicious honey mustard.
KATHMAN: Question the third...
MANATEE: Oh, this is the worst interview ever!
KATHMAN: Hey...don't you dare insult my journalism skills... just give it a chance you flabby sea-cow.
ATOMIC MANATEE: Oyee...lo siento.
KATHMAN: How many pacific manatees dwell inside?
ATOMIC MANATEE: I would say five last time I counted.
KATHMAN: Do you have a bread bowl swimming pool and if so is it full of chowder or pool water?
ATOMIC MANATEE: None.
KATHMAN: Liar.
ATOMIC MANATEE: ... ... ...
KATHMAN: Last question...
ATOMIC MANATEE: YES!
ATOMIC MANATEE: Then I shall be free of this interrogation of my house... sandwich house (begins cursing uncontrollably)
KATHMAN: What would do if I were to tell you that I was standing right outside your house right now looking through the window right at you while slowly eating my way inside?
ATOMIC MANATEE: Must get the mayo-hose and stop you from consuming my humble abode!
ATOMIC MANATEE: *Sprays mayo-hose on BRADD*
KATHMAN: BLAST YOU.
ATOMIC MANATEE: *BRADD is defeated*
KATHMAN: This interview is OVER.
ATOMIC MANATEE: Huzzah!
|
