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World's Largest Lava Lamp Causes World's Largest Highway Pileup
GRANT COUNTY, WA -- More than 300 vehicles have reportedly been involved in a massive highway collision in eastern Washington State yesterday. Witnesses and onlookers have placed the blame for this roadside "Carmageddon" on a giant, 60-foot tall lava lamp just off a nearby on-ramp.
"It was just so... mesmerizing," recalls Alec Yffrin, driver of an 18-wheel tractor-trailer, who slowed his vehicle to around 20 MPH (in a 60 MPH zone) in order to better observe the "hypnotic," glowing phenomenon that is the Grant County Lava Lamp Monolith.
Due to unusual traffic congestion on the rural highway, several dozen cars were unable to slow in time to prevent their vehicles from slamming into the back of Yffrin's rig.
"Most drivers didn't even care much that their cars were smashed on impact," one onlooker recalls, "They were too busy looking at the lava lamp."
Eventually, a pileup ensued, some cars even intentionally driving into the fray so that they could drive to the top of the collision scene, and gain a better vantage point over the Monolith.
Some critics of the giant lava lamp (the largest ever constructed) have argued that having such a distracting spectacle so close to a major state highway was just a bad idea in the first place.
But local residents dismiss these claims. "That glowing thing is the pride of Grant County," says Sheriff Taylor Tatem.
"Besides," Tatem insists, "Without it, the regional automotive repair industry would positively flounder."
Former Japanese Kamikaze Pilot Rear-Ends Ice Cream Truck on Freeway, Still at Large
BOISE, ID -- Police cleared a large section of the Interstate 90 Freeway Monday, as a large ice cream delivery truck was toppled over by an 'eccentric' and very hunger-driven Japanese man, who is believed, due to similarities in his driving habits, to have served under the Kamikaze division of the Japanese military during World War II.
The suspect, identified as Kazuhiro Suyushimamotorola, was reported to have been seen driving eastbound on the Interstate 90 Freeway at speeds approaching Mach 1.7, when he 'barreled' into the vehicle of 37-year-old ice cream truck driver Logan Pike, effectively destroying the vehicle, though not before ejecting Pike through the always-open side window, and spewing 28 gallons of pure Nestle ice cream and assorted ice cream flavorings across the four-lane way.
"Everything happened so fast, none of us had time to react before the whole sticky mess was over," stated one highway patrol officer on duty at the time, "People think us police are supposed to capture hit-and-run perpetrators in dramatic high speed chases with a vengeance, but the real thing is not some Hollywood blockbuster, let me tell you."
As a result, Suyushimamotorola and his sporty Toyota Tercel were not pursued as they quickly vanished from the crime scene, leaving only a trail of artificially sweetened Chocolate Marble, Chunky Macapuno, Buco Avocado, Chocolate Decadence, Mocha Mud Pie, Double Dutch, and though unconfirmed, what very well may be a variation of Mango Overload flavored ice cream.
Suyushimamotorola was positively IDed as the prime suspect in the collision by driver Pike himself, who is currently recovering from two hip replacements and a fractured tibia at Caribou Memorial Hospital and Living Center in Soda Springs, Idaho. According to Pike, Suyushimamotorola had been following his Ice Cream truck for several hours before the incident after Pike had turned down an offer trading the man twelve chunky caramel sundaes in exchange for an autographed Wonder Years DVD set.
The Nestle Corporation is offering a substantial reward of 'The Good Stuff' for any information leading to the arrest of Suyushimamotorola, and for the next 36 hours the Idaho Highway Patrol will be upgraded to condition 'Bushido'.
Click Here to Read an Exclusive Interview with Suyushimamotorola |  | The Basilisk |
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Chandra Levy Revived From Death, Resumes Internship
WASHINGTON, DC -- The Virginia Hospital [and Cemetery] in Arlington has reported that former D.C. intern Chandra Levy has been revived from the Jaws of Death, despite having been savagely murdered and left to rot in a city park for over 14 months, and is expected to return to her internship duties within several weeks.
When Levy's remains were discovered in May, it was assumed the heavily decomposed corpse had no life left in it. "However..." as VA Hospital mortician Ervin Jerkins began, "There are always ways around death, usually..." Dr. Jerkins has been accredited with overseeing Levy's recovery, one which has won him both acclaim and general trepidation from the scientific community.
"When Ms. Levy was first brought to my care, she was in 'less than ideal' condition to say the least!" Dr. Jerkins recalled, "Most of the bones in her body were all rustic and brittle, nearly all of her skin and flesh had rotted away, and she had lost a lot of blood - all of it in fact!" Jerkins however, was undeterred despite moderately impossible circumstances, and was able to resurrect Levy to 'near living' condition.
"She ain't too pretty no more, but the operation was a complete success..." Jerkins boasted later that evening, "It's just a good thing I got to her when I did. Just a few more years or so and she might have been a goner."
Levy herself is planning to return to her internship duties, and though her mental functions were severely impaired during her murder, she is now learning to communicate by banging her forehead on hollow wooden objects.
D.C. police had initially begun a city-wide search for Levy's murderer, but now that she is expected to recover, as one Washington law enforcement officer was quoted as saying, "It's been a long year, and we're tired. Now that the girl is back on her feet... I think I speak for all the guys down at the station when I that, 'our work here is finished'..."
Though not confirmed, Dr. Jerkins has reportedly been offered several billion dollars for a contract with Chandra Levy from a 'ragingly desperate' Freak Circus Industry. 7.0 Headache Rocks Northern China
JIASHI, CHINA -- Chinese officials have reported a moderately large headache to have jolted the residents of Northwestern China this morning, leaving a trail of swollen temples and throbbing scalps as it progressed.
"We had the 'rude awakening' you know," says one Tibetan citizen as he was awakened early by the passing cranial tremor, "I do like the doctors say, and put the head under doorway, but that only make the aching worse..."
Other Chinese residents faced similar situations, some more severe than others. One of the latter was experienced by Chinese Chess-Master Xie Si Ming, who supposedly five moves away from defeating her incumbent Russian adversary, briefly lost her concentration while motioning forward a pawn, and then crossly attacked the man.
Seismologists at the Chinese University of Hong Kong registered the magnitude of the head-throbber at 7.0, and also noted several small after-aches that rattled eardrums and irritated retinas to as far away as Australia.
Many scientists have noticed an unusually high concentration of headaches coming from the Jiashi region in China, prompting many to wonder whether a 'Big One', or 9.0+ mental quake could be on the way. The last time such a disaster occurred was in Holland, 40 years ago, during which many Dutch residents' heads swelled to over four times their normal size, while others simply sprouted crude horns protruding from their foreheads.
The precise epicenter of the Jiashi headache could not be pinpointed, but many believe it not coincidental that around the same time, the band "Black Sabbath" had concluded a performance after being booed off the stage in a nearby village.
German 'Rocket Man' Crashes into Unsuspecting Zeppelin
PRAGUE, CZEC -- Tragedy grips the scene here in the Czech capital, as famed German rocket ace Otto van Rocketman, reportedly flew his personal rocket jet-pack into the passing airship, Glücklicher, setting her highly flammable contents aflame and causing general havoc and such...etc.
Van Rocketman is known throughout Eastern Europe and Scandinavia for his daring and often foolhardy stunt work using his makeshift rocket propulsion system, flying at ridiculously high speeds through clouds, buildings, and just about anything else within the vicinity.
Yet this airborne daredevil's amazingly good fortune all came to an end on the morning of February 31st, as Van Rocketman was reportedly seen to after a rough takeoff, slam right into the stern of a passing Zeppelin.
The German airship, Glücklicher, immediately burst into flames upon impact and fell from the sky in a fiery ball of chaos and destruction. Like all airships, she had been fully loaded with fireworks, black powder, industrial grease, and an unnecessarily flammable form of diesel fuel, all of which may have contributed [somewhat] to her demise.
Van Rocketman survived the carnage and has told reporters that despite this brush with death, he plans to continue flying around recklessly over the skies of Europe.
"Otto van Rocketman is an inspiration to all of us [in rocket aviation]," one RAF spokesman remarked, wiping a tear from his eye, "He almost kills himself along with dozens of innocents bystanders, yet continues to do the thing he loves best... Brave chap...!"
To date, Van Rocketman has successfully brought about the destruction of one airship, three private aircraft, an unknown number of other aircraft, two high-rise apartments, one luxury home, and most of East Berlin.
Click Here to Read an Exclusive Interview with Otto van Rocketman Stray U.S. Bomb Takes Out Canadian Ice Hockey Team, U.S. Team Takes Gold!
SALT LAKE CITY -- In an unexpected turn of events, the Canadian Olympic ice hockey team, which for the first time in 50 years, beat the U.S. team and claimed absolute victory, was vaporized by an errant bomb dropped by U.S. warplanes fighting the War on Terror. With their adversaries literally blown apart, the U.S. team celebrated victory, taking the gold medal.
Pentagon officials told AP reporters in a brief press conference, that the F-14 Tomcat, sent on a routine bombing mission over eastern Afghanistan suffered a malfunction in its positioning system, placing the fighter jet instead half way across the globe, over the mountains of Utah.
Several precision guided bombs were dropped from the craft, one of which scored a direct hit on the Canadian hockey team, just seconds away from claiming victory over the U.S.
Team USA celebrated their well-earned success in the days following. "It's a shame what happened to the Canadians..." one American Olympic athlete remarked, "But if you look at it from our perspective, all turned out for the best!"
Canadian officials however, were outraged at the actions of both the American Olympic team, and military. Though their complaints were quickly drowned out by scores of fans and judges alike chanting, "U-S-A, U-S-A!"
U.S. military officials assured the public on Tuesday, that there is no need for concern. "In a time of war, such... mistakes often cannot be avoided," defense undersecretary Karen Smith told reporters, "Now let's all bask in the unstoppable might of Team USA! Woo-woo!"
The Pentagon declined further comment.
Nation Honors 60th Anniversary of Japanese Internet Camps
CARSON CITY -- Nevada Governor Kenny Guinn on Saturday, let the opening ceremonies to honor the 60th anniversary of when executive order 9066 was signed, thus authorizing the creation of the now famed and revered Japanese Internet Camps.
"This is a great day for America," Guinn began, speaking to a crowd of reporters and onlookers, "Exactly sixty years ago to this day, our nation began a great and glorious path to progress and prosperity, culminating in that celebrated federal order, which created the Internet Camps!"
The Japanese Internet Camps, of course, were a series of camps created after the Pearl Harbor incident designed to harness the ingenuity and brain power of Japanese-Americans toward the creation of a secret weapon known as the 'Internet', which would later be unleashed upon the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, turning them into highly modernized super-cities, thus ending the war and spreading joy and happiness across the Land of the Rising Sun.
"We knew the Japanese people were a crafty and ingeniously resourceful folk after they knocked up our Pearl Harbor," Guinn stated in his opening address, "It was decided that those Japanese living in this country might be a great asset toward building up our aging technology sector."
As a result, more than 100,000 Japanese-Americans from all along the west coast were rounded up and sent to serve their nation. With several hundred typewriters and a few early model PCs, they were able to successfully construct the Information Super-Highway, thereby saving the world from destruction and recession.
Some though, have come to see the camps in a different light, as a racist and unfair engagement of the U.S. government. "America was at war with Germany and Italy too," said one Italian-American who came to protest the celebrations, "Why weren't Germans and Italians living in this country allowed to serve in the internment camps? Our worth as Americans has been underscored!"
President Reagan in the 1980s, acknowledged the unfairness of the Japanese Internet Camps and paid reparations to the families of German and Italian Americans who werent interned as well.
House Made of Sandwich Consumed by Giant Female School Bus
SHORELINE, WA -- Horrific scenes of barbarism and fear grip the local residents here on Mayonnaise Road and Lettuce Avenue, as an act of unimaginable chaos and devastation has torn the neighborhood into sorrowful breadcrumbs; literally. Though details are sketchy, reportedly the giant Sandwich House, a world-renowned landmark and home to a delicious family of five, has been eaten by a rampaging school bus.
The residents of the Sandwich House, a family of land-dwelling pacific Manatees, was startled Saturday morning by the sounds of crunching pickles and crushed bread; then came a great rumbling as the entire house was violently shaken and torn in half by what they would later learn to be a school bus with a nasty disposition.
The Manatee family had always dreaded the day when their house, a 150 foot-long sub-sandwich, would be eaten.
"In retrospect, it was probably just a matter of time before something like this would happen," one remarked, "But we always just put it into the back of our minds -- figured there's no point worrying about it."
The suspect is described as a bright orange school bus with feminine qualities and is currently on the run. Known to the locals simply as "Bus Girl", it's currently unknown what may have motivated this bazaar bout of violence.
Officials have not responded to claims that "Bus Girl" may, in fact, be The Magic School Bus.
For now, the Manatee family is seeking refuge in a large tomato just down the street, but plans to rebuild the Sandwich House once things begin to look up again.
Environmentalists have warned for years of the increasing destruction of manatee habitat and after this most recent case, the outlook of species is bleak indeed. As one anonymous marine biologist put it, "With incidents like what happened to the Sandwich House on the rise, it's really just a matter of time before..." the scientist was mysteriously unable to finish his sentence.
Click Here to Read an Exclusive Interview with Atomic Manatee The Debate Rages: Is Strom Thurmond a Potato?
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a tensely divided U.S. Senate this morning, Democrats are once again challenging South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond's position in the Senate, this time presenting credible evidence that he may, in fact, be a potato.
Thurmond, who recently turned 99, has come under fire for his age and extreme feebleness, yet this most recent accusation is apparently quickly gaining speed.
Recent DNA analysis and other scattered pieces of evidence, along with obvious comparisons, have left many convinced the century-old Thurmond is more vegetable than shriveled old man; a potato person, and thus ineligible to serve in the Senate in accordance with the Legislative Produce Act of 1971, which forced many prominent fruit and vegetable politicians out of office, including Idaho representative Spud Spudly, and Florida senator Sammy Citrus.
Thurmond actually fought bitterly against the Produce Act, filibustering for a record 72 hours, calling the bill "An act of anti-produce biased McCarthyism". This in itself may be evidence of Thurmond's true identity, claims are amounting to, as a potato.
Skeptics, as usual, are skeptical, stating that such claims are unwarranted, considering Thurmond has eyes, ears, a mouth, a nose, various other facial features and bodily parts not normally found on a potato. This argument has been countered however, by the fact that all of the features mentioned are removable from Thurmond's body, similar to the popular 90's children's toy, Mr. Potato Head; "...eerily similar" says one House Democrat.
For now, the debate over Senator Thurmond's true identity continues on. The accusations have angered some and intrigued others. "Despite his appearance, I don't believe Senator Thurmond to be a potato," says one CIA spokeswoman. "We have to consider what the evidence here is saying, and it appears to be saying 'Strom Thurmond is a potato,'" another moderate congressman stated.
Senator Thurmond has yet to respond on these claims.
Tree Frog Uprising Quashed in Guatemala; Streets Bathed in Frog Blood
GUATEMALA CITY -- In a nation torn apart by war, famine, disease, and various other inconveniences, an insurrection by the local tree frog population was inevitable, scholars say. Still, it was a bloody shock the nation's residents.
Guatemalan Nationalist troops patrol the capital this afternoon, after several thousand of the nation's tree frogs openly revolted. Tree frogs had long been persecuted in Guatemala but unlike their human counterparts, had never turned to violence to free themselves.
On Sunday though, thousands of the anxious amphibians reportedly took the streets of Guatemala City, croaking loudly and causing general mayhem. Soon the whole country had been overrun, as more small green figures emerged from the jungles, wreaking havoc on local residents. Hundreds of the frogs then proceeded to storm the Presidential Palace, in an attempted 'Coup de'Toad'.
"I always knew they, them frogs was up to no good," General Fransisco Topo, leader of the Guatemalan nationalist military, remarked. Topo claims to have anticipated the uprising after observing suspicious trends in the frog's behavior, such as climbing branches of trees, and eating small insects.
After several hours of pandemonium, the rebellion was crushed by a brutal and swift military crackdown, driving the insurrectos back into their jungle hideouts, and squashing others with hum-vees. "Them frogs, they croaked!" Gen. Topo remarked during a government-monitored press conference.
The leader of the tree frog freedom fighters, known only as "El Sapo", managed to flee unharmed on Sunday, vouching to return and finish the job with a series of defiant "ribbits" over a make shift radio broadcaster.
Gen. Topo, a veteran player of "Frogger" only responded with what sounded like "bring it on" in pigeon Spanish.
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